Facelift?

I need to change my default facial expression.
Far too many times I have heard, 'wow, you look like you wanna beat someone up' or 'oh look at your face, you're so moody'. I find it slightly amusing though a bit hurtful. Hmm. Maybe my face is a bit hurtful.
I'm rarely in a huff when a comment is made about my facial expression; I'm usually feeling joyous on the inside. Sometimes I'm just overrlyyythinking about things in life. That could be the cause.
I often acknowledge that my face is screwed up and try to change it, but sometimes I'm just not aware.
Maybe this is petty.
I dunno.
Seems to be a big issue for some people.
I think it makes me look kinda stush/arrogant/uppity. Though I'm really not. I like to think I'm quite down to earth. Perhaps not.

Well whatever. I'm working on it. But I know what's in my mind init so boy.

I think sometimes the things that I do/don't do because of my Christianity are perceived as stush or uppity. And maybe some people think that I think I'm better because of it. Well I don't.

This is what I think.

I'm A Christian

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Maya Angelou

Thank you! Words of this poem are so on point.
When I grow up, I wanna be like Ms Angelou.

FROG

I've come to realise that I can't rely on anyone but God. People are flaky for real.
I think I always knew this, and I've been told it's true by many a-person.
But I like to see the good in people, and I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So I've kinda been lying to myself all this time. Making excuses for people and trying hard not to show that they've hurt me.

This post is no way an indirect to anyone. I've just come to a point, where I can see that relying on people - friends and even family isn't gonna get me anywhereee. I don't want people to rely on me either. No matter how reliable I think I am and how reliable I may have proved myself to be up until now, just by being a human, I have imperfections therefore, I'm unreliable too. If someone asks me to do something, no matter how much I wanna do it, and how good my intentions are, there's no guarantee that I'll do it.

Only God has that one on lock. Garshh He's so sick. I wanna tell everybody how heavy He is. But it seems like no-one wants to know. I feel like I have the cure for cancer or sutum, but no-one has clocked on. One day, everyone will be on their knees worshipping Him cos He's so that guy. They won't even know what's hit them. Mmm.

FROG - Fully Rely On God

That's what I'm gonna do :)

V-Day Poetry (wrote this like half a year ago, unfinished, untweaked)

Life without love
Is like a guitar without strings
A piano without keys
It can't function, you see
Love is a word
It's a noun
It's a verb
Love is Him taking me as I am
And knowing how to understand
And loving me

Unconditionally
Undeservedly
Uninhibitedly
Totally and completely captivated by me

The number of hairs on my head
Of which He knows the exact number
As well as the tears that fall from my eyes
Before I drift into slumber
My worst times, my best times
My sad times, my happy times
My simply "don't talk to me or I'll bomb you in your jaw" times
The times when I clock
That He's there for me all the time
The one who loves me

Unconditionally
Undeservedly
Uninhibitedly
Totally and completely captivated by me

He knows my ins, my outs
My ups, my downs
My gentlest whisper and my loudest short
Under His shadow He protects me
And nothing can separate me from the love that He has for me
Not death, nor life
Nor angels, no ruling spirits,
Nothing now, nothing in the future,
No powers,
Nothing above us, nothing below us,
Nor anything else in the whole world
Can separate me from the love that He has for me

Unconditionally
Undeservedly
Uninhibitedly
Totally and completely captivated by me
And I by Him
I hold my breath
And wait for this life to pass me by
Until that moment when in the twinkling of an eye
I'll rise up to the sky... ♥

10 Days Into February (Delayed Post)

I have been such a busy bee these past few days it's insane.

For a while I was past the state of exhaustion, it was straight delirium ha.

18th birthday celebrations have been order of the day. Spent a weekend in Madrid with my wonderful girlies. It seems that I just have bad luck when it comes to travelling. Went to Rome last May(?) and on the last night after a really fabulous holiday, our hire car was broken into by gypsies (who I previously thought were supercool, perhaps I still do) and they took ALL our travel documents which my dad left in like a briefcase kinda wallet type thing under the seat! and it was dark. So the only way they would've known was that they were watching us and probably thought there was money in there :/ OH the drama it caused. My dad was so devastated cos he always carries everythingg around with him everywhere, we often tease him for it, and the one time he leaves it...Ho hum.

Then travelled to Malaysia in December. 60 hours in transit! 60 hours, I hear you cry. Yes! 60 hours, me and my sister. Most of those hours spent stranded in Amsterdam on account of the heavy snowfall. Oh it was a traumatic experience. 6 of those 60 hours were spent in a queue waiting to be put on a flight. We had no euros. We had no laptop or credit to call from Europe. Oh man. It was not cool. But thank God we got to Malaysia in time for Christmas.

And then Madrid. I get pickpocketed when we are travelling to the hotel from the airport via metro. Lost money, cards and new purse :( OH dear. These things happen. My sister sent me a really lovely text to cheer me up though. And I was grateful that we weren't taken advantage of more as tourists. You hear so many stories of rapes and kidnappings and murders, and we can't believe these things happen, but they do. Often. I am so thankful it's never happened to me. Well the latter clearly hasn't. Ha.

I've come to realise some things over these past few days that aren't really too fun however.
I've realised that I really am in this world and not of it. Which is a beautiful thing. But is also quite difficult in daily life. Especially in my life because of what I'm surrounded by.
I've succumbed to a few things that I shouldn't have this year.
I feel like I should stop trying to do what I've been trying to do because it's in vain. I'm a horrible person right now. Everything I've wanted not to be.

Some people need to be cut off. It's gonna be the hardest thing I think I will have ever had to do in my life thus far :(

My head is a mess right now.

Why does being bad always to have to feel so good?

Being A Minority

is not really that much fun.

I feel like I'm always the odd one out.

Oh

It's February.
I didn't even clock.
What fun.

9 days til Alvin's 18 :)
5 days til Madridd.

PS. After my last post, I have Wayne Wonder's 'No Letting Go' stuck in my head. Big smh.

Letting Go.

I'm really bad at letting go.

My inbox on my phone only lets me have like 360 messages! Lame. And so I keep having to delete like one at a time. Everytime I attempt to have a clearout, I can't bring myself to get rid of messages that really should be long gone. They're still there because they just make me smile. Or I think they are important for some reason or another.

3 years ago now, I had this thing with this boy. He told me that he loved me in various different very sweet ways over a number of texts. Me and this boy hardly talk now, he pretty much boyed me off after that we had that thing, and I now know that (although he said to me he was shy and didn't really know how to talk to girls) he's the biggest womanizer on the block. Kmt.
Yet I still have the messages and choose not to delete them when my inbox is full and important messages need to come through. Why? Because I can't let go. What a loser.

Most of my messages are funny sweet ones from a select few people. Or things that just need to be remembered. Maybe I could write them down, but that seems a bit weird.

It's not only texts that I save. I used to save aalll my msn conversations - FB chat has failed me in that sense. If I'm tidying up room and I find something from the past, I won't throw it away. Even if it was something that once made me cry. I dunno, I just think it's important to keep them.

I wish I could save all the conversations I had in real life as well, phone or face to face. If someone could just film my whole life, that would be great.

I don't think it's a bad thing to hold on to parts of your past.
As long as you don't allow those things to hinder your future.