Corr Blimey

I've been such a drama queen, my goodness.

Anyway, I'm okay now. Yesterday I think I was just dwelling too much, and cos I wasn't doing anything else exceptt think about everything, it all got a bit overwhelming.

Church today - great.

God told me that He loved me. Totally needed to hear that.
There was also talk about the fruits of the spirit.
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control.
Nine very important things.
Love is the most important. But it's not worldly love - the kind of love that you feel because of what someone has done for you, you love them because they're good to you, because they love you, because they deserve your love.
Unconditional love is the one that I must pursue. A love that does not depend on anything, you just love without any apparent reason. You love to love.
That's the way God loves us. If you've got that kinda love, then all the other stuff will follow.
I've got to start cultivating my fruits.
And stop being so moody ha :)
I've been on a rollercoaster, but the ride has ended now. I'm off, I've collected my hideous, embarrassing photo and will store it in a drawer somewhere, not to be forgotten, but not to be in plain sight as a constant reminder. I'm leaving the theme park now, just gonna go for a stroll down the road.

'I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy,
Down in my heart (where?),
Down in my heart (where?),
Down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy,
Down in my heart (where?),
Down in my heart to stay' :)

Sighh

So, everything I wrote in that last post was kind of everything I felt I should say.
The truth is: I feel like crap.
Don't wanna do anything, no motivation.
I wish I could sleep my whole life away.
Feeling like this sucks. Sucks major wangg.

I'm sure this will pass but right now. Errgghh.
I mean, it would help if only one thing went wrong but it was a succession of events.
Three to be precise. See, I told you three wasn't a magic number, loser :)

God, help me get outta this funk. Amen.

Wow

By most standards my week has been pretty crap. That itself might even be an understatement.
I'm not even gonna go into the details of the drama, but I brought it all upon myself which I guess makes it slightly better, but not really.
It's like my brain just hasn't been turned on for like the last couple of weeks. Maybe I've been distracted or maybe I just need a break.
I'm seriously considering making the move to a hippy commune in some far away place, changing my name and never coming back.
But I mean, that's just unrealistic so instead I am gonna smile and laugh and be grateful for the things I have.
It has been a rough week but in the grand scheme of things I'm being pretty melodramatic. I actually have nothing to complain about it. Or to worry about - Matthew 6:23. There is food in my fridge, I have clothes to wear, I have money and even if I didn't, I have parents that can provide for me. I am getting a good education, I have a clean water supply, I live in a country where I'm allowed to express myself and I am not oppressed by leaders in whom I meant to trust. I am a young, black woman and on Thursday, I voted. Now that's big. And on top of all that I have a God who loves me so much, I can't even begin to write about Him and His general greatness. I have a fly family and some superfly friends. I am writing this blog from the comfort of my bed on some hitech gadget and my fingers are flying across the screen with ease, my foot is tapping to the beat of my music... I could go on. But yeah, just trying to say that I have so much to be grateful for that the suckish things that happen just seem kinda relevant. I won't completely ignore them though, I'm not like immune to pain and sadness, I'm just trying not to let myself be overcome with those kinda feelings.

I still haven't cried.
I'm not sure when I will.

My notebook is full of poems that have no titles and titles that have no poems.

Another unnamed...

A painting would never deny that it was painted
And a creation should not deny that it was created
But that's what seems to be happening with these evolution theories
Darwin proved that we just came to be
but our first be was ape and over time our backs got straight, we lost a lot of hair and we developed some form of communication
There are still so many things unexplainable
but we choose not to attribute them to a God who's able.
Instead we incessantly deny, deny our creator
But how can you possibly have a painting without a painter?

Heartbreaker, you got the best of me
I am the heartbreaker, I got the best of he
I got the best of we
We were becoming something and I got scared
There was something becoming about him,
perhaps the curl of his hair
It's not fair
Life's not fair
If only I hadn't twiddled my hair or said all those things
or held his arm as we crossed the bridge.
It's all my fault,
I deserve to feel like this
I didn't want it to be this way but life goes on
I must face up to my stupidity and then move on
I am the heartbreaker, I got the best of he
And in heartbreaking I lost a piece of me.

Feelings

Feelings are a funny thing.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now.
Kinda grateful. Real grateful in fact.
Loved.
Feeling like a bit of an idiottt.
Super appreciative.
Sorry. In the apologetic sense not the pitiful.
Proper on edge emotionally, like I could cry quite easily I reckon.
Tired.
Drained.
Got a blocked nose which is a little annoying.
Feeling silly.
Relieved.
A bit weak.
Happy but not in the crude meaning of happy. Not sure what the right word is.
And peaceful.

Yeah.
A 'cocktail' of feelings ♥

Snippet

'and they'd stay on the phone for hours not saying a word, just listening to each other breathe.' ♥